Dear Middle-aged men waiting in line for a $15 sandwich,
What store is selling those ill-fitting shorts? Was there a combo-sale with the high white socks and sneakers? The varying, but same, collared shirts do not make you look fancy. If you can afford to eat at that place, you can probably afford to look appropriate while doing so.
Just trying to help.
The girl living in the house directly across the sandwich shop
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Dear recent divorcee,
How much money did you spend on that wedding? Hope you saved twice as much for the divorce because we’re gonna have a party. Nine hard months of being housewife has earned a couple weeks of binge drinking in public establishments…how else are you going to find the next husband?
XOXO
Your friend that wasn’t invited to be a bridesmaid due to an accurate and pessimistic view on quicky marriages.
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Dear Crust Punks,
The dreads, the excessive use of olive green, the holes, hell –even the smell, are all things I support. But seriously? Go get a fucking job or don’t…just do something mildly productive. I don’t think that you’re sexy enough to disguise the fact that you are a cigarette bumming leech of society. I want to go to your parents’ three story brick home in suburbia and look at your sixth grade school picture in which you’re sporting a gap polo and braces…no one fishing (literally) for money should have pearly whites like that.
‘Til next time you want something,
The chick who wears pageboy combat boots you wanted to steal.
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