In Case of Loss: Second Edition

moving into a new home.

http://kjellerenphotography.blogspot.com/

http://www.etsy.com/shop/GATHERJEWELRY

http://researchtattoos.blogspot.com/

http://splitpeavintageblog.tumblr.com

Abusing studio access that I no longer have

Sacajawea would be proud.

mmmmmmore letters

Dear Middle-aged men waiting in line for a $15 sandwich,

What store is selling those ill-fitting shorts? Was there a combo-sale with the high white socks and sneakers? The varying, but same, collared shirts do not make you look fancy. If you can afford to eat at that place, you can probably afford to look appropriate while doing so.

Just trying to help.

The girl living in the house directly across the sandwich shop

 _____________________

Dear recent divorcee,

How much money did you spend on that wedding? Hope you saved twice as much for the divorce because we’re gonna have a party. Nine hard months of being housewife has earned a couple weeks of binge drinking in public establishments…how else are you going to find the next husband?

XOXO

Your friend that wasn’t invited to be a bridesmaid due to an accurate and pessimistic view on quicky marriages.

 ___________________________________

Dear Crust Punks,

The dreads, the excessive use of olive green, the holes, hell –even the smell, are all things I support. But seriously?  Go get a fucking job or don’t…just do something mildly productive. I don’t think that you’re sexy enough to disguise the fact that you are a cigarette bumming leech of society. I want to go to your parents’ three story brick home in suburbia and look at your sixth grade school picture in which you’re sporting a gap polo and braces…no one fishing (literally) for money should have pearly whites like that.

‘Til next time you want something,

The chick who wears pageboy combat boots you wanted to steal.

2 months

oh the places you'll go.

She will never get old for me.

The Undeliverable Letters

New writings for another little zine-like book I'm going to make soon.

Dear Porcelain Face on Thompson Street,

Just because you carry a Vogue under your arm, doesn’t mean you are Vogue. So please pull that oak tree out of your ass and attempt to smile. There’s no need strike a pose every other minute, no one is taking a picture.

Sincerely,

The girl sitting in the coffee shop next to the window with her view being obstructed.

______________________

Dear Davenport,

I didn’t know there were black people in Iowa.

Thanks for setting me straight.

White girl from Midwest suburbia

________________________

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

Dear Overly Righteous Sierra Club Credit Card Holder,

The next time to you come into my restaurant if you could refrain from the following things I’d really appreciate it.

1. Letting your children run around the restaurant barefoot. I have swinging hips and on more then one occasion have knocked a six year old to the ground with them.
2. Acting like syliac disease is going to kill you. You making me paranoid and non-trusting of the gluten-free menu that was created especially for your kind.
3. Feeling entitled (PERIOD)
4. Signing credit card slips with crayons – those are for you kids…OH WAIT – your kids aren’t using them because they’re peeing on chairs on the other side of the restaurant
5. After your asshole of a child pees, don’t say you spilled something Dad because Mom just told my piss-soaked busser that it’s urine dripping from her towel, not apple juice.

Lastly, if you could just accomplish the difficult task of ordering correctly that would be great. I know it’s hard, but waiting until you get the bill to recognize that what is in your stomach  is not what you wanted, rather it’s what you said you wanted is rude. So yes, we’d be happy to take that off the bill for you.

That’s all. Thanks for having a party larger than six so I could add in gratuity

Your Waitress

kate oh kate.

Not typically a big kate moss fan. I know, not possible, everyone is a kate moss fan. She's needs a bit more filth and grudge for me really to identify with her (omahyra, I get). However this photo is the prettier picture of my mornings. One should always cook breakfast and/or make their coffee sporting black (man)panties and no top. 

Who knew the midwest was so fun?

The uncensored version is obviously better.